Answering the Echoes of My Inner Voice
My troubled thoughts seem clearer tonight; though still plagued in a way by my own thoughts and feelings … I now feel an inner strength building in me…. Not so much troubled anymore… curious, would be more apt… curious about my future… intrigued as to whether it will unfold as I hope… interested in my sudden shift from futility to a wary acceptance of whatever may come my way…. Still a little restless… unsettled… but not troubled…. I’ve survived all these years, haven’t I…. one would think I’ve picked up few truisms along the way…
… and so what if the mask is crumbling…. To hell with wearing it for one more moment… to hell with hiding… here I am world… take me as you find me ‘cos I’m my own woman… and I have a life to live
adventure to breath… love and laughter and honesty to be shared…
And I’m not too old to take a chance… damn it, I’m never going to be too old to take a chance….
I want to be taking chances now and when I’m 60… 70 …. 80… 100
or until my lungs draw their last breath and my breasts rise and fall for the last time …
I don’t care if I’m not poised, self-assured, self-confident… don’t give damn if I’m battered and bruised from youthful indulgences and addictions… I still have NO illusions about this carcass that
houses the soul… but the hidden me… the me not seen from the outside… that me is more graceful and caring and compassionate than at any stage in the past…. And knowledgeable in ways
a younger woman would not… could not understand….
I have been loved… adored- bless his sweet patient country soul…. though much of the time
he didn’t understand me… couldn’t fathom the depth of my mind…was puzzled by the meanderings
of my thoughts and emotions… but he always loved me…. Always…. Until the angels, if such beings exist, came and took him away…
I’m at ease with this me I am now…. Wise enough to consider youthful misadventures as ‘learning’ experiences… after all I’m not on drugs, I don’t drink alcohol…well one or two wines a year …I haven’t been arrested in 30 years….and my conscience isn’t heavy with the knowledge of breaking too many hearts…. So I must have learnt something from those wild and hedonistic days….
So I don’t have that little cottage I’ve always dreamed of…and I haven’t travelled overseas…. but there’s time yet for both to happen…I’m not the published writer I envisioned as an idealistic young woman who though she could change the world with her words… or at least challenge global masses to move beyond their scripted lives…. But…. I do still write 6 out of 7 days and do have a circle of writer friends to socialise with… what does it matter if we’ve never met… still the possibility of being published exists and therefore so does that dream….
…the funny thing is… if only Destiny Fate and Karma stopped trying to outdo each other
(thereby cancelling out each other’s actions) Well… perhaps they’d realise that if I became published
I might have a shot at buying my little cottage and travelling overseas as well…
…but I have a more immediate goal to concern myself with
…that of surviving a new and unexpected change....
I recently found myself out of work
and since I live where I work, at the end of the month I will be relocating
to another area… will look for work… and place to live…. And plan my future;
I’ll tell you one thing though… if Destiny, Fate and Karma don’t get there shite together soon
I’m taking them for a long jump off a short pier;
11 Feb. 11